13 October 2015

How I imagine a CNN political debate

A TV Anchor sits on a chair in a studio, with a disturbing, lizard-like appearance.  His hair is terrifyingly white, like the smoke from a voodoo charm.  His eyes make him look like a hollow shell, inhabited by something perhaps inhuman.


TV ANCHOR: Welcome to Random Large Auditorium! Tonight we are going to be celebrating the first of seventy debates between the Democratic presidential candidates, which will help you become familiar with their ability to generate soundbytes on the spot and talk about "the issues".  Hahaha.


[TV ANCHOR giggles softly to himself.  We do not know why he giggles, but his hair is too terrifying for us to feel safe.  Is this some new threat?]


TV ANCHOR: For analysis tonight we have with us BLURTER and STATISTICIAN, both of whom have spent several months hashing and re-hashing narratives for the present election.


[TV ANCHOR gestures toward two pasty-faced men with over-sized mouths.]


BLURTER:  TWITTER IS WATCHING USSSSSSSSSS.


STATISTICIAN: WE NOW KNOW....  WE NOW ... WE KNOW...


[TV ANCHOR looks straight into the camera, and his eyes seem to say to you, "Hibiscus does not treat erectile dysfunction.  But it is good for alopecia."  His cheekbones speak of death.]


DEBATE HOST: WELCOME TO RANDOM LARGE AUDITORIUM!!!  [Cheers from audience.  They are all drunk.  And high.  CNN hosted a rave beforehand, and you can still see the flush and sweat of the partiers in the front row.]


DEBATE HOST: I will now list the rules of tonight's debate.  Probably no one will follow them, but we will randomly enforce them depending on how much we dislike a candidate and whether we think cutting them off will be good for ratings and the narratives we want to spin.  Now let's meet the candidates.


[The Candidates lick their lips and snort, rhythmically.  Is this a ritualistic dance?  The terror of the smoke hair returns briefly.]


DEBATE HOST: First we have the Bearded Lizard Queen.  She is a righteous woman.  Her prey die without knowing it.  She has no offspring, because she is immortal.  Fear her!


AUDIENCE:  FEAARRR HERRRR.


DEBATE HOST: Next up we have Mr. Magic.  Mr. Magic show us your tricks!


[Mr. Magic presents his tricks.  First he transforms the podium into a large walrus.  Then he eats the walrus.  Finally, he causes a large bell to toll.  Everyone understands this.]


AUDIENCE:  THE TIME IS NOW.  WE ARE THE CHOSEN ONES.  WE ARE DESTINY.


DEBATE HOST: And finally we have Telulah Archimodo!


AUDIENCE: TELULAH! TELULAH!


DEBATE HOST: And now back to the show.


[The screen goes blank.  A voice whispers to you that you are not as old as you think.  That you can still be young.  That the pleasures for which you sacrificed everything in life do not need to fade.  Images flash by.  Gray haired couples holding hands.  A man with a loud voice yells about machines.  There is familiar music.  The show stops.]


DEBATE HOST: Welcome back to Random Large Auditorium!  For our first question, we would like to hear from each of the candidates about genitalia.  How important are genitalia to you?


TELULAH ARCHIMODO: I am three people.  I contain three people.  We have more genitalia than anyone else on this stage.  We are made up completely of genitalia.


DEBATE HOST: Thank you Telulah.  Mr. Magic, your turn.


MR. MAGIC: Debate Host, I am deeply troubled, because I have looked into the soul of the Bearded Lizard Queen.  And in her soul I saw no genitalia.  She is an unsexed woman, as unsexed as Lady Macbeth.  She has murdered Duncan!  She is a murderess!  Why is it permitted!?  Why?!?


BEARDED LIZARD QUEEN:  AAAEEEEEEEE!!!!!    TSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!


[BEARDED LIZARD QUEEN hisses at MR. MAGIC.  She knows his secrets.]


DEBATE HOST: That concludes our first round of debate.  We will be back in a moment after some analysis and narrative-spinning.


TV ANCHOR: That was really something!  OK, guys, let's create some narratives out of the senseless blurting that we just witnessed.  What do you think?


BLURTER:  Twitter thinks that Mr. Magic's comments were offensive and excessively gender-normative.


STATISTICIAN:  Telulah is feeling nervous.  She has three souls.  She is three-souled.  But she only has one body.  I think she's trying to find a way to break out of the three-souled stereotype she's been cast in so far in this race.  She wants people to know that she has as much genitalia as everyone else.


BLURTER:  Telulah's public opinion ratings are skyrocketing on Twitter.  Right now the taglines #archimodoblood and #beheadmrmagic are trending.  This is a sign that the Bearded Lizard Queen's agility may not have as much power over the public spirit as we previously thought.


TV ANCHOR: Dear Viewer, please revise your opinions.  We have just created an Event.  You must now accept the narrative laid down and treat it as fact.  After all the real event was insane and meaningless.  Hahaha.


[His smoke-like hair flairs up again.  You see his cheekbones stretching out and think, "He will devour me.  He will devour me.  How can I ever escape."  But there is no escape, because his storytelling creates the World.]