01 October 2013

from Infinite Jest

Where was the woman who said she'd come. She said she would come. Erdedy thought she'd have come by now. He sat and  thought. He was in the living room. When he started waiting one window was full of yellow light and cast a shadow of light  across the floor and he was still sitting waiting as that shadow began to fade and was intersected by a brightening shadow from a  different wall's window. There was an insect on one of the steel shelves that held his audio equipment. The insect kept going in  and out of one of the holes on the girders that the shelves fit into. The insect was dark and had a shiny case. He kept looking over  at it. Once or twice he started to get up to go over closer to look at it, but he was afraid that if he came closer and saw it closer he  would kill it, and he was afraid to kill it. He did not use the phone to call the woman who'd promised to come because if he tied up  the line and if it happened to be the time when maybe she was trying to call him he was afraid she would hear the busy signal and  think him disinterested and get angry and maybe take what she'd promised him somewhere else.

She had promised to get him a fifth of a kilogram of marijuana, 200 grams of unusually good marijuana, for $1250 U.S. He  had tried to stop smoking marijuana maybe 70 or 80 times before. Before this woman knew him. She did not know he had tried to  stop. He always lasted a week, or two weeks, or maybe two days, and then he'd think and decide to have some in his home one  more last time. One last final time he'd search out someone new, someone he hadn't already told that he had to stop smoking dope  and please under no circumstances should they procure him any dope. It had to be a third party, because he'd told every dealer he  knew to cut him off. And the third party had to be someone all-new, because each time he got some he knew this time had to be  the last time, and so told them, asked them, as a favor, never to get him any more, ever. And he never asked a person again once  he'd told them this, because he was proud, and also kind, and wouldn't put anyone in that kind of contradictory position. Also he  considered himself creepy when it came to dope, and he was afraid that others would see that he was creepy about it as well. He sat and thought and waited in an uneven X of light through two different windows. Once or twice he looked at the phone. The  insect had disappeared back into the hole in the steel girder a shelf fit into.